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El Problema de los Criollos (The Criollo Problem)
General López and his cronies very easily betrayed Gran Colombia when Spain came calling. Could this have anything to do with the fact that they're criollos - Gran Colombians of pure Spanish ancestry? In the hour since our heroes' return from New York, this possibility has been preying on the mind of one of them in particular - Rascar Cápac. The scene opens with a pensive, uniformed Rascar Cápac pacing back and forth while his companions are in the background chatting amongst themselves. The voice-over of his thoughts (in his native Quechua) is as follows: Ratu hamurqanku kastillanus paykunaman rirqan Lopez. Qhapahyarqan. Mana yachanichu chayka qhapahyanku wahkuna criullus ukhunta Gran Colombia. Yachakuy pacha. ¡YACHAKUY PACHA! (The moment the Spanish came, López went to them. He became powerful. I don’t know if other criollos within Gran Colombia are becoming powerful. It’s time to find out. IT'S TIME TO FIND OUT!) Just as Cápac completes this powerful thought, President Juárez approaches the heroes with bad news. The criollo sailor known as El Pirata and his minions are harassing shipping lanes throughout Gran Colombia, and Juárez suspects that he is trying to starve Gran Colombia into submission to his rule. Juárez gives the heroes an urgent mission: to stop El Pirata and obtain more information from him about other possible future attacks. Juárez takes care to mention that the Gran Colombian government know that there are other pirate ships in the Caribbean. The heroes accept the mission, and Juárez teleports them to the town of Yucatán, where El Pirata has been known to strike recently. Juárez then leaves the heroes to their mission. The heroes find a semi-devastated Yucatán Town. Half the shops along the coast have either been destroyed or looted, and not many people are to be found wandering about. What was once a thriving shipping port on the coast seems but a shadow of its former glory. The heroes spot the harbour master in the dock overlooking Yucatán Harbour, and Supamaanz takes the lead by approaching him to find any useful information about El Pirata's involvement in the town's seemingly drastic demise. The short, stocky, moustachioed harbour master introduces himself as Ricardo Portillo (AKA El Jefe) and recounts Yucatán's tale of woe to a very inquisitive superhero audience. According to Portillo, El Pirata regularly makes his rounds - using a well-armed galleon, no less - through Central America, Cuba, and the Yucatán Peninsula, stealing money, food, and goods, and that El Pirata is due in from Havana in one hour. On behalf of the heroes, Supamaanz offers to help Portillo track down and defeat El Pirata and his esbirros (henchmen), all of whom are criollos. Somewhat sceptical, Portillo asks what the heroes can do; Supamaanz confidently replies that since the heroes are visibly affected by the Fuego Azul (minus perhaps Rascar Cápac), they can effectively counter any tricks El Pirata plays on them; in order to support Supamaanz's statement, El Tigre de Plata flexes the muscles on his muscles - which are at least somewhat attributable to the Fuego Azul - and promises to rid the Caribbean of the scoundrel El Pirata. Portillo is thus persuaded and loans the heroes a perfectly working schooner - very aptly named El Barco Más Rápido (The Fastest Ship) - but asks to come along with them, to which they obligingly agree. Meanwhile, unnoticed by the mainstay of the party, two things occur. Unbeknownst to everyone else, during the conversation about El Pirata, La Mística is temporarily taken away and spoken to by a mysterious man in a cloak; her absence goes completely unnoticed. Additionally, El Enigma seems to have slipped away without anyone else noticing. She: walks along the shoreline of Yucatán, eventually coming to a clothing shop; buys sailor boots, a buccaneer's outfit, a wig, a swashbuckling sword, and a small knife; and approaches the shipyard owned by Ricardo Portillo's taller, thinner brother, Miguel. Calling herself "Domina Magnífica," she introduces herself to Miguel and offers to help track down and stop El Pirata in exchange for the use of his frigate. At first sceptical, he asks how she can help, especially owing to the fact that she is a woman (bearing in mind the pronounced sexism of the 19th century, even for a relatively enlightened alternate-reality state such as Gran Colombia); she peers into his eyes and reminds him that she has the Fuego Azul surrounding her and is therefore in possession of powers that can aid her in stopping El Pirata. Convinced by the simple demonstration and seething with resentment toward El Pirata, Miguel agrees to load the ship with cannons and cannonballs and steer it for her. Whilst "Domina Magnífica" is charming Miguel into granting her the use of his frigate, La Mística is having a relatively easy time of navigating El Barco Más Rápido, ''especially with El Tigre de Plata providing extra propulsion with his arms and legs. Meanwhile, Supamaanz uses his flying ability to engage in a covert reconnaissance mission aboard El Pirata's armed galleon (he manages to land out of sight, behind the main sail) and finds that the crew consist of Captain El Pirata and four ''esbirros (henchmen). Once Supamaanz returns to El Barco Más Rápido, he and his fellow heroes aboard devise a plan to navigate around El Pirata's galleon and stop just behind its aft section, thereby surprising El Pirata and his minions. This plan, however, is thwarted by: El Pirata and his esbirros seeing El Barco Más Rápido ''in the distance and (unsuccessfully) firing upon it; and a frigate of unknown origin approaching them from Yucatán Harbour. Since the frigate is approaching from the same point of origin as the heroes on ''El Barco Más Rápido, it is assumed to be friendly; however, to be sure Supamaanz flies over to the frigate. He sees an unfamiliar face - a woman with brown skin, black hair, long black boots, and a buccaneer's outfit. When he asks who she is, he becomes startled when the woman calls him Supamaanz. "¿El Enigma?" he asks. "Shhh," she whispers, "This man knows me as Domina Magnífica! I don't want anyone else to know who I really am." Between them, they hatch a new plan: El Barco Más Rápido will ride round El Pirata's galleon and stop just behind its aft section as normal, thus enabling Supamaanz to sneak aboard using his flying ability and capture El Pirata; and in the meantime "Domina Magnífica" will draw fire from El Pirata's galleon by "crossing the T" - crashing the frigate into the galleon at a right angle - and then land on the ship and deal with El Pirata's esbirros. Supamaanz flies back to El Barco Más Rápido and informs his shipmates of the new plan. La Mística steers El Barco Más Rápido back toward the frigate in order to temporarily trick the enemy into thinking the ship has withdrawn. Then both ships go their separate ways to further confuse the crew of El Pirata's galleon. All is going according to plan - or so it seems. The frigate in which "Domina Magnífica" is riding draws fire from El Pirata's galleon whilst avoiding the cannon fire, and it eventually crashes into El Pirata's galleon perpendicularly. Meanwhile, both El Barco Más Rápido and Supamaanz take El Pirata and his esbirros by surprise; El Barco Más Rápido lands behind El Pirata's galleon as planned, and Supamaanz flies over to the galleon amidst the chaos, snatches El Pirata from it, and sets him down on the deck of El Barco Más Rápido (presumably) as a prisoner. Whilst "Domina Magnífica" seems to be having an easy time of swinging from one of the galleon's ropes onto the deck and dodging the bullets of El Pirata's esbirros, the remaining heroes are having a rougher time than expected with El Pirata. El Pirata yells a very telling "¡Viva España!" and makes it rain - specifically on the heads of the heroes! Instead of being able to help his companions, Given the rising water levels on El Barco Más Rápido,'' El Tigre de Plata is now forced to keep it afloat, a feat even he cannot perform indefinitely. Additionally, everyone is blinded by the rain. However, this in no way affects Supamaanz's resolve. He declares, "I will punch through every raindrop if I have to!" even despite not being able to see or move effectively. Then he comes up with an inspired trick; he successfully persuades El Pirata that bullying one's opponents with rain and its resultant invisibility is cowardly and not the mark of a true warrior, and El Pirata stops the rain. Meanwhile, "Domina Magnífica" disarms one of the ''esbirros and shoots him with his own pistol, leaving the other three stunned and uneasy. One of the remaining three henchmen attempts to shoot her but fails miserably. In light of this, the other two gang up on her with knives; whilst she is parrying one henchman's stabbing attempts with her sword, the other manages to stab her in the side, staggering her and making it a little more difficult for her to take them down. However, even her stab wound fails to stop her - she executes a successful double takedown, cutting off the hands of one esbirro and shooting the other in the head; of course, these kills are seen from the perspective of each dying esbirro, and the more gruesome aspects of their deaths (especially the blood coming from the stumps where one esbirro's hands used to be) are hidden from view. Extremely apprehensive but not completely without courage, the last remaining esbirro attempts to shoot "Domina Magnífica," but she dodges the ill-aimed bullet and skewers him. As this is happening, the remaining heroes take their turns in stopping El Pirata. No longer concerned with having to keep El Barco Más Rápido afloat, El Tigre de Plata does an amazing flip onto the ship, ready to come to the aid of his compatriots. Supamaanz then punches El Pirata and screams, "¡Viva Gran Colombia!", leaving him with a bleeding nose and a bruised ego. Defiantly, El Pirata yells back, "¡Viva España!" and attempts to shoot Supamaanz, who deftly dodges the bullet and does constant cartwheels to confuse him (a move inspired by El Tigre de Plata's backflips in the Church of Havana [[El Paso Doble (Double-Step) (Segunda Parte)]]). Meanwhile, La Mística afflicts El Pirata with smallpox, which weakens him considerably. El Tigre de Plata then delivers a memorable roundhouse kick to El Pirata's face, finally landing him on the ground. El Pirata, however, manages to land a bullet right on the bridge of Supamaanz's nose, knocking him unconscious. Conspicuous by his absence from the action until now, Rascar Cápac is raging and prepares to end this criollo scoundrel's life by aiming his rifle and shooting without regret; however, El Tigre de Plata yells out, "¡Rascar Cápac! ¡NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!", which his seen and heard by the viewers in slow motion. El Tigre de Plata's call out to him snaps him out of his rage, and he realises that he would be no better than the gringos and criollos if he pulled the trigger; instead, he gives El Pirata a solid boot to the head, nearly knocking him unconscious from the pain. El Pirata agrees to stop fighting at this point. The conscious heroes soon remember that El Pirata's galleon is slowly sinking, and they make their way to the lower decks of the ship. They soon find 50,000 Gran Colombian Pesos worth of currency, gold doubloons, and silver pieces of eight. As this happens, President Juárez appears on the lower decks with them. The scene cuts to commercial break. The first and only commercial to appear is a cartoon-themed commercial deliberately resembling the last scene, in which our Gran Colombian heroes (minus the unconscious Supamaanz) are still on El Pirata's galleon but they are also promoting Pepsi. President Juárez smiles, holds a Pepsi can in his left hand next to his face, and he says in his cartoon close-up: "Pepsi: ¡El refresco sin rival!" (Pepsi: The refreshment with no rival!) Next, we see El Tigre de Plata doing impressive backflips and front-flips, after which he smiles, takes a drink from his Pepsi can, and says, "Pepsi: ¡La bebida de los campeones!" (Pepsi: The drink of champions!) "Domina Magnífica," surprisingly without any injuries, performs mock swashbuckling manoeuvres with her sword and declares, "Pepsi: ¡La única bebida de la alta mar!" (Pepsi: The only drink of the high seas!) Rascar Cápac dons an uncharacteristic smile and declares, "Pepsi: ¡La bebida de mi gente!" (Pepsi: The drink of my people!) Saving the best for last, La Mística conjures up a Pepsi using sparkly magic and declares, "¡Pepsi me da los poderes!" (Pepsi gives me my powers!) After this strange, brief commercial break, the viewers return to the scene of El Pirata's slowly sinking galleon, where the heroes and the Portillo brothers discover Ricardo's wife, Matilda, tied up; she is quickly freed, and she cries out "¡Mi amor!" (My love!), embraces him, and thanks the heroic team. After teleporting to the top deck and realising that Supamaanz is wounded and needs immediate medical attention, Juárez transports everyone aboard either ''El Barco Más Rápido ''or the frigate, teleports both ships back to Yucatán Harbour, and teleports Supamaanz immediately to Tenochtitlán Hospital. Upon his return, he asks the strange woman who she is; she whispers that she is actually El Enigma, shows him her stab wound, and asks him to take her to the hospital as well. He teleports her there immediately and then returns to officially grant the 50,000 Gran Colombian Pesos to the Portillo brothers in order to rebuild the town of Yucatán. Additionally, he agrees to increase funding for the Gran Colombian Navy in order to more effectively combat the recent spate of piracy along the coasts of territories held by Gran Colombia. The Portillos (including Matilda) thank him profusely, and the heroes return to Tenochtitlán, along with El Pirata, who is immediately placed in Tenochtitlán Federal Prison. Early the next morning - after El Enigma and Supamaanz have both had a half-decent chance to recover from their respective wounds - Juárez teleports the healthy heroes and El Pirata to the hospital ward where Supamaanz and El Enigma are recovering. By the two heroes' bedsides, Juárez asks El Pirata who else is involved in the piracy, and from whom he is getting his orders; El Pirata refuses to divulge the information, and it takes Supamaanz getting out of bed, accompanying El Tigre de Plata to El Pirata's chair, and standing up and showing intimidating, scary muscles alongside him in order to intimidate El Pirata into talking. El Pirata admits that there are people with the power of teleportation, sent by King Felipe of Spain, who have been giving him his piracy assignments and paying him in gold doubloons to complete them. El Tigre de Plata curses the Iberian scoundrels, and El Enigma persuades El Pirata to harass Spain's shipping lanes instead, with loyal Gran Colombian "pirates" at his disposal, some of whom are very adept at teleportation. President Juárez teleports out, makes the necessary arrangements, and transports a smallpox-stricken El Pirata onto Portillo's frigate - decked out with the Spanish flag on the main sail, - with the eight Gran Colombian / fake Spanish crewmates at his "disposal." Remembering that El Pirata is magically stricken with smallpox, he briefly teleports him to La Mística, gets her to remove the smallpox curse, and returns him to the frigate. One of the fake pirate crew then teleports the ship to an area that can barely be seen on the horizon of Cadiz. The soldiers on guard at the port see the ship sailing into harbour and nervously assume that Spain is now beginning to prepare to defend against naval attacks from Napoleon III...